Short response to the title: you can't. It's that simple. And I'm not in al-anon. So I don't even really know how to help people manage themselves while dealing with alcoholics. For a blog about al-anon from a scientist who really has his shit together, go read Syd's blog. But what I can do is tell you what the experience is like from the perspective of the alcoholic.
I have a dear friend (Let's call her Miss B.) who has a problem with an alcoholic that I don't know, and have never met. Although, the alcoholic in Miss B's life hasn't self-identified as such, so I shouldn't diagnose him site-unseen. However, he does things, and has put himself in situations, that I have only seen alcoholics do.
He is not allowed to drink at home because his children call him out on it. I don't know how old they are. So he goes over to friend's houses, brings small bottles of liquor with him, gets drunk there, and then drives home. His friends are tired of this. They are concerned for him, and for the citizenry. They offer to let him stay over, but he refuses. Miss B asked me for advice about how to handle this situation. How do they stop him from drinking and driving? How can they get him to stay over if he's had too much?
The answer, of course, is that they can't. Supposedly, they've gotten him to agree to stay over if he drinks too much. But only in the beginning, before he's had anything. Once he's drunk, he argues and goes and drives. I did that. Wow, did I do that.
"Are you ok to drive?"
"Totally."
It didn't even register as a real concern. As the statement, rather than question, that it was: "You are not ok to drive."
But there's nothing that can be done. Not really. Not at that point. Because you can't argue with a drunk. The problem has to be addressed earlier, and with unmistakable resolve. There is only one way to handle this situation that does not involve being complicit, being enabling. That is to tell the alcoholic: "You are not welcome to drink in my home." And then, don't invite them over when there will be alcohol served. It's not okay to ask them not to drink while others are drinking. They have to make that choice for themselves, independent from you.
I go to parties where people drink all the time now. It doesn't bother me. But an active alcoholic cannot go to those gatherings and not drink. The only way to help an alcoholic who still drinks is to refuse to participate. If you want them in your life, you have to accept that they will drink, and get drunk, and suffer consequences. If you cannot tolerate that, you have to remove them from your life. You can't change us. We drink. It's what we do. We're alcoholics.
We lie and steal and cheat. We are not your friends. We are using you. We are not the person you once knew. We are the shadow of the bottle. The person you loved, the friend you cherished, the husband, the wife, the parent, the child, they're buried. They may be gone forever. Sometimes, we come back from that oblivion. I have.
Most times, we don't. Most of us who proceed to alcoholic drinking will die that way. If you want to give us the best chance to recover, the best hope, be honest. Be straight. Tell us: "Your drinking has made it impossible to be your friend. I can't associate with you until you quit alcohol. I loved who you used to be, but that person is gone. If you want to get help, I'll be there for you. Otherwise, I don't want to see you."
The only thing that addresses active alcoholism is losing the things we love, the people we love, the life we love, until there is nothing left but us, and the bottle. At that point, sometimes, we choose living over dying.
9 responses:
There may be steps to take before saying "you can't drink in my home" if, that is, the problem is just his driving home and not unpleasant behavior while there. If he's fun to have around and his friends don't want to cut him off but also dOnt want to be responsible for his driving, they tell him when he's sober, "look, I want you to be able to come to my parties and have a good time. But the only way that's going to happen is if you hand over your keys as you walk in the door. And if you get dickish later about wanting them back, you won't be invited back."
No. When you do that, you have committed to having an argument with a drunk person, and to being responsible for his behavior. You are controlling his keys, thus his actions. If you enjoy arguing with drunks, by all means, go that route. But you are enabling.
It's only committing to being willing to risk the possibility of one argument. If you don't extend the chance of him acting in a way that you would actually be comfortable with (handing over the keys, having a good time, staying over) then in my mind you are actually robbing a friend if a chance to self check. I am in no advocating you make an offer that you aren't actually comfortable with. If you don't want him drinking at your house, say so. But ask for what you want: if you want to be able to invite for friend over for an event that will include alcohol, and know that driving won't be an issue, then ask for that. It is not enabling to tell your friend exactly what your personal boundaries are and give him ONE chance to prove he can respect them.
Well, sure. But then, you're talking about something other than I was writing about. If you don't mine participating, if you're willing to take the keys and risk an argument, then I have absolutely no objections. But I wasn't talking about that. I was addressing people who have already discovered that their friend cannot self-check.
I have no disagreement with what you're saying. But it refers to a state which is already over, in the context of this post. If you have to take someone's keys, then they cannot self-check. If you have to take someone's keys, then you are participating. You are assuming responsibility for their behavior. This post was aimed at people who do not want to assume that responsibility.
And as soon as you participate, you're enabling. Because the alcoholic is offloading responsibility to you.
I don't actually see that from the information you've provided. Your friends asked you, quote: How do they stop him from drinking and driving? How can they get him to stay over if he's had too much?
Seems to me that ONE answer to those questions is to tell your friend, hey, if you decide to come over at all, you're deciding to stay over. And so that isn't in question, get a ride over or hand over the keys.
Obviously, ANOTHER answer to that question is to tell the friend, you aren't welcome to drink at my place.
Either of those answers is equally valid, depending on what the friends are comfy with. I have a problem with your labeling one of them "enabling," when all the person is doing is asking the friend to abide by their rules, as they set forth. If the friend can't abide, and the person chooses to ignore it or make excuses, then that would be enabling.
I can't see how it's enabling to say "these are my rules," then, if the friend doesn't follow them, to say "sorry, but you can't come over anymore." I know you've been taught to call it enabling whenever a person chooses to keep socializing (where alcohol is involved) with a problem drinker. But I don't agree. I think that if both parties agree to abide by rules that make everybody happy (and stick to those rules) then there is no enabling involved.
This might be an "agree to disagree" situation.
We talked on the phone, so we don't need to fill this out here. But for other people reading this, I have certainly not been taught that socializing with problem drinkers is enabling.
Enabling, as I see it, is when I take active steps to shield a person from the consequences of their drinking. Like offering to hold their keys. Other people can have different definitions.
This post is so awesome. Thanks.
Brilliant post.
Powerless over alcohol - mine and others. I do allow others to drink in my house - but if it was a problem then they wouldn't as simple as that - no argument - don't like it? To quote Scrooge "There is the door, you may use it"
Powerful post. I would not want someone coming to our home, getting drunk and then driving. Not only are there legal ramifications, but having someone drunk around is not my idea of fun. I simply would not make the invitation anymore. And have my boundaries on what I will accept. I have learned that I don't have to put up with unacceptable behavior anymore. And I know that I cannot manage anyone else--I'm powerless over others, whether they are alcoholic or not.
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